Shoestring Love: Mach Speed

When I saw that I could speed date for $27 dollars, I decided that it could be interesting. And as far as value goes, I had 10 dates for that price. $2.70 per date with pizza and wine is quite a deal for lonely fella on a budget.

The event began at Mo Pickins, over at Avenue A. Slinking by 15 minutes early, I was overcome with a sense of dread. I'm just no good when it comes to rejection. It cuts me deep and if I were anymore tense I would probably have had a full fledged anxiety attack. I've never had one, nervous breakdown, sure, but prickly-armed anxiety attack? No. I called my friend for a morale boost but he was out eating with his hot 23 year-old girlfriend. He just wished me luck. What I needed was a Swingers style pep talk. "You are so money. You're money and you don't even know it...etc." Nearby I found a record store, and though I have no turntable, I hung out there just to kill time. No good showing up early to room full of desperate people.

When I got to the little upstairs bar I saw some attractive candidates. Though they struck me as much more hip than I'd expected. They didn't appear to be in the 26 to 34 range, nor did they look like the bookish types that would find speed dating in the 92nd St Y website. They actually looked like a bunch of NYU hipster lesbians. I ordered a Jameson, and the bartender had made one by mistake so I got a glass of whiskey gratis. Cheers.

I found a seat near an open window next to the fire escape. From here I could look over the scene, see what interested me and what the competition was like. There weren't a lot of guys in the room. And what I could see only inspired confidence. They were mostly balding and pear shaped types, some of whom had obviously never flipped through a GQ magazine. I was vaguely wary of one guy who was large, had a classically cut jaw, seemed like he could be competition, not that competition matters that much. Participants got to pick more than one person they were interested in. Then I got a look at his hirsute back, he had a cape of fur under that shirt. With that observation I took a sip of supremacy from my whiskey glass and raised my eyebrow to the coming conquest. It was at that point a woman yelled, "If you're not here for the speed dating then you need to leave the room!" And every hot girl in the room got up and walked away.

Crestfallen, I looked at the fire escape behind and thought about making a dramatic exit. Wouldn't that make for an interesting story for the others? "I went to speed dating and it was so bad this one guy jumped out the window." They brought out pizza and wine, I'd already eaten at Subway and wasn't too upset about that seeing as, much like Farmer Ted from "Sixteen Candles," fresh breath is a priority. They said not everybody was there and I had my fingers crossed. The dating began and I began making the rounds.

There's not too much you can do in 5 minutes of dialog. The woman hosting said that some dates would feel like a minute and others would feel like 20 and this I found to be true. Most people only get to where you from, what do you do, where you living now.

The first two dates were a definite pass. Is it shallow of me to say I knew that before I sat down? Yeah, well, I'm shallow. But I liked the third one. She was a late comer. A periodontist (or gum surgeon). She was cute, seemed friendly, and a doctor. If I was a Jewish mother, I'd think she was perfect. All this added up to me circling 'Yes" next to her name. We talked about scuba diving and I mentioned that I didn't think I could do that as I had asthma. Man the smoothness that is The Gotham Frugal. I'm slier than Billy D Williams. That date ended and I moved on to a few others.

The other highlight was a giggly blonde, a bit of a stereotype, I know, but true all the same. She laughed at my jokes, touched my arm and pointed out that I was funny. So hey, she knows a good thing when she sees it. She got a 'Yes.'

The last date was by far the longest. It started with her saying "Three sentences. I'm 26 years old. I'm a computer programmer. I've never been married. I live in Queens near Forest Hills." So, clearly, she wanted to dispense with the niceties, but by this point I was calling the night a wash and decided to say what I wanted. "That was four sentences." Instead of calling me an ass she said, "That's right Forest Hills." So my response was, "Hey, that's where Spider-Man grew up."

At the end of the night, I went home and had a few more beers, again, for perspective. They said that if any of the people I said yes to said yes to me that we would get contact info. About 22 hours later my email is as mute as a ficus. That's the crazy world of love.

Starting Balance: -$5.25
In: $10

Out:
Speed Dating: $27
Subway Sandwich: $5.25
Beer: $1.50

Balance: -$29